i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
