Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
