pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
