My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
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