clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
