I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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