what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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