is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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