"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize