Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Randomize
