highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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