we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
