i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
