if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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