Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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