I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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