I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
