end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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