I heard we made out
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize