I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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