I faked an abortion last night.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
