He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
