There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
