I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
