I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
