then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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