My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
