I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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