she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
