theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
