So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
