Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I supernannyed him into submission
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
