I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
