I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
