My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
