Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
where are you?
Hypothermia
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
