why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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