ya dads aren't the best wingmen
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
