everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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