this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
