so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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