I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
