a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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