Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Randomize
