Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
