Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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