We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
