My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
