Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
