She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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