you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
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