Porn is love you can see.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
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