i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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