I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
