i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
