I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
