Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
