Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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