Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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