I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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