and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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