My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
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