Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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