Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
