I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
